Falling Into Old Habits
by LetGo666
Summary: It's movie night in Avenger's Tower and they're watching Jaws. Between the blood on the screen and the chewing of popcorn, Bucky has some unwanted memories surge forth and he loses control, struggling to stay with the team in the aftermath.


_Crunch._ It resounded in his ears. He could see the fresh footprints in the snow, slicked with warm blood. He refused to give into the insistent swaying his mind demanded from the nausea. _Crunch._ He grinds his teeth as he recalls the jagged slicing into his arm. He remembers the violence it brought. _Crunch._ He remembers being locked away and frozen solid shortly thereafter. His breathe raced in his lungs as it struggled to keep up with his heart.

His eyes were staring ahead at the television in the Avenger's common room. Clint had insisted they watch Jaws tonight. Blood splashed across the screen, but it wasn't the same blood Bucky was seeing. He registered a faint nudging against his thigh but he could not move; he was frozen. "James." There was a soft whisper in his ear, but it meant nothing to him.

"Bucky?" He recognized that one, but why did it sound gentle, concerned? In his memory, it was loud, piercing. It was hoarse and terrified. It carried the same terror he had became accustomed to hearing from every person he met. No one said his name gently anymore. "Buck." It was more insistent this time.

He felt himself being lifted and the shift snapped him back to reality. He flung himself out of the steady, strong grasp and immediately landed into a defensive stance, his knife drawn and ready. Everyone was looking at him now. Natasha was sitting upright and concerned while Steve was closest… And those eyes…

* * *

Bucky dashed away to his room. The blue had been drowned in pain and betrayal- things he never wished to see in those baby blues ever again. He was stupid to have assumed he could have enjoyed movie night with them. He had only just started to become comfortable around them. And now they had all seen the worst of him and how quickly he could revert. Maybe he'll be kicked out of the tower. He didn't want to leave them.

He enjoyed joking around with Tony. Sometimes, he'd even join Tony in his lab and the scientist would explain his inventions. It was like being with Howard Stark again and it was so good for his mind and his memory. It brought him nostalgia in a way Steve couldn't- reviving his love in science.

He enjoyed pulling pranks with Clint. The archer would climb through the vents when he visited and Bucky would distract the others while Clint snuck around and did what he needed to. There was only one time Bucky was scared but was already in too deep. Steve had taken Natasha out to have a best friends date, so Clint and Bucky snuck into her room, moving everything two inches to the left. It was followed by jamming all the doors, drawers, windows, and anything else they could find that opened. They both made sure to celebrate at the nearby bar that night to avoid being home to find her rage. He still doesn't know how they got out of that but he has a feeling the consequences just haven't caught up to them yet.

He enjoyed Banner. He didn't expect it but the other was filled with an unmatched wisdom and the serenity it brought was refreshing for his soul. Whenever Bucky just needed a break, he would go to the doctor and ask if he could stay in his company. Typically Banner let him help where he could. Otherwise, he took a break from his research to help Bucky find a soothing hobby.

He liked the god as infrequently as Thor was there, but the man sure knew how to have a good time. On one occasion he brought his heavenly alcohol and that night. Man, the Avenger's certainly never saw Stevie the same again. And the teasing the morning after, well… it was worth it.

He adored Natalia. He remembers, after weeks of avoiding her to the point where everyone could tell, she finally sat down with him and told him that she didn't hold his past against him. As far as she was concerned, the person he was before he arrived with Steve was different than the one he was growing into and that she didn't hold him accountable for his past. She was the only ever person to see him cry. After then, whenever there was a problem he couldn't discuss with Steve or he needed a second opinion, Natalia was his first choice. She had even been curled up between him and Clint tonight.

Now he had to leave all that behind. He opened his closet, ignoring the echoing thuds of a super soldier on his heel, and slung his emergency backpack over his soldier. "Buck." He glanced over. If anything, Steve looked sadder. He didn't need that to add to his conscience.

"I'm sorry," He muttered. Maybe this was a bit of overreacting, but how could the others trust him after tonight? Steve was the person he was closest to and he had pulled out a knife on all of them.

"Are you really leaving me again?" Steve put a step forward, but his best guy flinched at the motion. He stilled, his heart aching deep in his chest. He knew Bucky had his backpack in that closet, but he had hoped it was just paranoia or in worst case they all had to evacuate, not just running away.

"If I have to." Bucky looked at the floor. He couldn't look at Steve. He just couldn't. It hurt too much. He'd have to leave and he didn't want to hurt Rogers by forcing him to come along with. It was easier this way.

"Can we just talk first," Steve gestured to the bed. He couldn't let the brunet walk away when he just got him back six months ago. Not unless he really wanted to, but that's not what it sounded like. "You never gave me any reason to believe you wanted to leave. I just want to help you, Buck. You gotta let me help you."

He never could say no to his Stevie. The blonde was his weak spot and tonight that's exactly what had gotten him into this trouble. He sat down on the bed, the blonde following his lead. "May I hug you," Steve whispered. Bucky nodded, feeling the full weight of his boyfriend on him. _I guess some things just never change_. He tugged Steve closer, unable to resist the love of this man. "Please don't leave, Buck." The average human wouldn't have heard him, but he wasn't average.

"I have to, Stevie." _I don't want to, but I have to._

"No, you don't. Why? Why do you have to?" Steve held him firmer, keeping him there.

_Smart little bastard… I guess he ain't little anymore. _"You saw what happened," Bucky winced.

"Are you talking about what happened earlier in the living room?" Steve pulled back, holding onto his shoulders and looking flustered yet astonished all in one. Buck couldn't really think they would release him into the streets after just one incident, did he? It wasn't even really an incident. But he knew better, and that Bucky really did think that no one was capable of trusting him as much as the brunet tried to prove himself and his loyalty. His boyfriend shrugged. "Buck, that's not your fault," he whispered assuringly.

"What do you mean "It's not my fault", Steve? I was prepared to attack all of you! How can any single one of them trust me after that, Steve?" Steve bit his lip, titling away. "Well, Steve? How?"

"Buck, c'mon, they know it wasn't on purpose."

"That doesn't change the fact that it happened, Steve," he yelled back, growing more frustrated. How could this man still defend him with a losing argument.

"But they understand you only did that because you felt attacked. They aren't upset because you came to and didn't actually hurt anyone. You looked around and recognized all of us and saw no threat. Buck, that's what matters to us. You are finally comfortable enough to be around us and trust us enough to be yourself and respect us in turn." He stroked the dark locks away from his lover's eyes. He saw the despair edge away from the steel irises and allowed himself to relax a little. "It's gonna be okay, Buck. You don't have to go anywhere."

The blonde nuzzled his nose. His shoulders relaxed enough that Bucky felt his backpack slide off. Guess he forgot to tighten it. It didn't matter anymore anyway. "How can you be so sure?"

"Because they're my friends and I know them as well as I know you and I know you're as much their friend as I am theirs," he smiled softly. He combed his fingers through the other's soft strands. Bucky leaned into him and he knew he had won him another day. "Do you wanna go back out there or do you want to call it a night?"

Bucky shook his head. He had barely had the social energy for tonight as it was. He didn't think he could go back out there and face his shame after what just happened. He was still building energy to be around others. He was getting better though. When he first came he always had to be alone. Now, he could spend four hours around his friends before getting tired and another two before he had to isolate himself again.

"That's okay." He leaned into the gentle touched. "Let's get you into bed then, yeah?" Bucky let Steve lift him off and support his weight as he pealed back the covers and laid the soldier down. The bed felt like a safe haven with how soft the sheets were and how they wrapped around him, smothering his senses and lulling him into security.

"Can you stay," Bucky asked, holding onto the thin muscle shirt Steve adorned. He didn't care if he looked pathetic. He felt a little bit pathetic. It was only Steve, so it was okay.

"Of course." The blonde sighed contentedly, scooping up his tired boyfriend into his arms and cradling him close. He typically pressed the brunet to changed into pyjamas and repeat their bedtime routine, but he let it slide tonight, knowing the other would be asleep within five minutes. They heard footsteps recede farther down the hall and out of range. Guess Natasha would always protect them even if they weren't aware. He could feel Bucky nuzzling his chest and knew even if it would be rough for a little while again, it was worth it. The man in his arms was far too kind to hurt any of them and soon they would all see that if they didn't already. Sure enough the body against his was fully lax and snoring faintly as he finished covering them in their blankets.


End file.
